Seems counter intuitive right?! We all want to experience pleasure, we all enjoy pleasure, we all seek pleasure AND so many of us avoid it too. So many of us make all the excuses in the world not to allow ourselves to experience it.
Ever been really turned on and your partner has started making moves on you and you push them away? Even though you're craving sensual touch and would love an orgasm. Ever felt super horny and wanted to fuck but something inside of you rejects it, even though it's all you desire, you keep it locked down. Why do we deny pleasure even though our bodies crave it?
I am no psychologist, but I know from the people I coach that this happens with everyone, and for a bucket load of different reasons.
For those identifying as women, the main cause for rebuff is that they don't feel safe to lean in and surrender to their pleasure, there hasn't been enough safety created for them to access their desires or even admit that they want pleasure. For those identifying as men, the main cause for rebuff is they feel as though they can't possibly give any more energy to anything, like showing up for pleasure is one more thing in their huge day they have to provide for and they don't have the capacity. There are tonnes of other reasons too, trauma, conflict, mis-communication, resentment, love languages not being met, the list goes on.
It's helpful to identify WHY you are avoiding pleasure so you can overcome it and start to give yourself permission to access it. We all deserve pleasure. It's our birthright. We have the anatomy for it! Most of us can have orgasms and we can cum and we have the receptors for pleasure.
So, get into your WHY and see if it's something you can speak to your partner about, and if you are single, perhaps you can work through it yourself. This might be an area you need to ask for support in, from a Sexologist, Counsellor, Psychologist, Bodywork practitioner and anyone else working in this field - Do reach out for suggestions. I wanted to share my hot tip for overcoming this and this can only be done with a safe partner that you trust.
I personally find myself becoming pleasure avoidant when I feel anxious and stressed. I feel like I can't let go, like I don't have time and that it will be too distracting or take me away from what I am doing (read: OMG it might be unproductive).
I noticed this happening and called Luke into the challenge. Because I actually love sex and I love orgasms and I love connecting with pleasure. I was just plan avoiding it. I told him I wanted to fuck and I was feeling avoidant, that I probably would try to get out of it. He asked me if I wanted him to take control of the situation then and I consented. He then picked me up, carried me into the bedroom and threw me down on the bed, commanding me to take my clothes off.
From there, he orchestrated our intimacy session, telling me exactly what he was going to do to me and what I had to do too. Conscious domination and I was more than happy to be submissive and surrender to this experience. Super hot sex sesh with some big orgasms in the house. Was a great lesson for me to invite my partner into the challenge when I am feeling like I'm avoiding intimacy! I feel like many women will relate to this and thus I felt it important to share. Maybe next time you are feeling like you're avoiding intimacy, you can take heed of this experience and invite your partner into the challenge.
Author: Cindra Banks
Insta: @consciouscouplescoaching
