For anyone that knows me, I am a little bit of a control freak, bossy boots, Type A personality, whatever you want to call it (you know what I mean), Typically, I like to be in control. I am a planner. I like to organise things and people and get my way. I like to craft my life the way I want it, I don't generally take shit laying down, I can be a fiesty and fiery. I would think of my personality as relatively dominant.
I had never played much with Dom/Sub roles in the bedroom, albeit a little fooling around with a long term boyfriend in my early twenties. It definitely didn't go far and I didn't fully surrender to it, nor was there any conversation around it, consent or checking in.
Whilst I hadn't had any experience in this realm, I was completely fascinated by it. In my sexual fantasies, I was getting dominated and loving it. This was always my go-to orgasm reel. I just never had the confidence to truly ask for what I desired, I never felt comfortable or confident enough with any of my partners to lean in.
That was, until I met Luke and he allowed me to fully feel safe and held in this new role as a submissive in the bedroom. I expressed to him how much this idea turned me on and what I would want him to do to me as a dom. However, it took me a really long time to be able to surrender. For me to be in my body and let myself me guided and taken on a journey. For someone like me that had always been in control, even though I wanted to surrender in the bedroom, it was like my head and heart wanted different things.
I would be so tired that all I wanted was to melt into intimacy, yet I would still put a fight up. When Luke wanted to take over, when he wanted to try new things, when he asked for consent to slap me or tie me up. I struggled to fully let go. To trust and surrender, to even speak up for how I wanted to be dominated.
I kept leaning in however, even when it felt uncomfortable, emotional or just plain weird. I kept showing up. I got even better at communicating my needs and wants and we educated ourselves about consent, about boundaries and took lessons in Shibari, educating ourselves through our podcast about KINK and dom/sub roles.
Information is always the answer for me, the more I learnt, the more I wanted to try. The more I trusted AND the more I embraced the sub role in the bedroom (about 60% of our intimacy), the more fun it became. I also fucked off the societal judgements of kink and BDSM, as we opened to befriending people in this scene, I saw that this was a normal and important part of intimacy. And oh how it was healing for me.
Truly taking a sub role allows me to be be in my divine feminine. For most of the day I am a boss bitch, my life is highly scheduled and task driven. To step out of that, and into a pleasure based world where all I have to do is be present is such a relief and a release.
It's been so healing for me to learn to be submissive (consciously) both for my own energy and development and for the energy of our relationship. It allows Luke to be in his healthy masculine energy, it allows for us to play with these different ways of being that are so unique to how we are day to day.
I have never felt so free, so sexy, so seen and so relaxed as I have playing a submissive role in the bedroom. Sure, at times getting slapped and absolutely railed against the back of the lounge can be uncomfortable, and at these times I am using my breath and letting my mind empty, allowing myself to soften even more into these edges. Highly recommend trying on a Sub (or Dom) role on for size and seeing how much it can transform your life!
Author: Cindra Banks
Insta: @consciouscouplescoaching
