“I want to be dominated” Is a term used alot in dating apps, foreplay texting & was popularised by books & movies such as “fifty shades of grey”.
But what does it actually mean to be dominated?
In short, the answer isn’t what you’d think… but before I give my answer, heres a back story of how I wound up in the dungeon in the first place.
Being an Aries with a Dominant major & Influential Minor personality on the DISC personality charts, I’ve always been drawn towards the fascination of introducing aggressive passion into my sex life.
I bought all the basic tools, toys & equipment so that i’ll be ready for the occasion when someone wants to be dominated. But when the time came & I heard those magical words “I want to be dominated”, I found myself feeling anxious that I wouldn't be able to perform… After all, I've never actually experienced anything of this nature to use as a reference & I've only seen movies about it.
So, I read a lot of blog articles, watched a lot of youtube tutorials on how to become a better Dom, but something still felt missing. Like, it’s one thing to know wholistically what to do, but there was something in the back of my mind saying “You’re a noob & she knows it” (LOL).
Apon all of this research, there was one consistent factor that was always mentioned.
“To be a good Dom, you need to know what its like to be a Sub”.
This concept terrified me because i’ve always felt safety in control. Control of myself & other people is where I feel most comfortable in life & the idea of being vulnerable or surrendering myself felt like tourture, even death.
So I decided to take the deepest dive out of my comfort zone & booked in a session with a professional Dom at a Dungeon here in Australia & requested that I get a taste of the most common types of Dom play so that I know what my future Sub(s) would be experiencing when/if I were to role play or play with kink.
And to my surprise, it was absolutely nothing like what I imagined it would be.
I walked in with the expectation of being hurt, flogged & abused in a very sinister way… after all that was my interpretation of what it meant to be “dominated”.
But the reality of the experience was quite the opposite.
My experience was actually quite nurturing & sweet. WHAT? Yup… nurturing.
Sure, I was flogged, strapped down to a bed, tickled, slapped, spanked, blindfolded & I think I had some kind of clips on my balls at one point… & yeah I definitely got close to a 10/10 for pain.
But the overall experience taught me something about myself that I didn't know existed & that I learnt these two lessons:
1) I'm VERY out of touch with my body.
I had spent so many years growing up with the mantra of “Just harden the fuck up & get it done” that my body learnt to shut down, ignore pain & with sheer determination get shit done. But this also prevented me from slowing down & experiencing pleasure or even wanting to if i'm not completely in the mood.
There were often times that I couldn't feel light touch or anything on my arms, chest or nipples which surprised me because sensual play is usually an easy way for me to connect. And the mistress said after our session that she could tell that I was dissociated from my body because I barely reacted to being hit.
This over all taught me that I need to spend more time checking in with myself & connecting more with sensations & feelings instead of closing them down.
2) What it felt like to be vulnerable & place your trust into someone else.
As mentioned before, I feel safest in control & HATE being told what to do & this stretched me well past my mental everyday comfort limits.
However, with that said, it wasn’t all that bad. The mistress would often check in with me & make sure I'm okay, guide me to breathe & help me relax. This did make the overall experience alot more pleasant because it helped me get out of my head & stay present with the experience.
She would often ask how this is on a pain scale out of 10 & aimed to stay around a 7-8 while I was being spanked by hand & with a paddle. She also took into consideration how tight the restraints were & that I was still mostly comfortable throughout the entire time. And this is what I mean by it was nurturing!
Most of my sex life have been with people who dont take time to check in during or after sex & this experiance, although wasnt sex… I felt a lot safer, heard & respected in this space than any other previous partner ever knew how to or put the effort into.
Overall this experience taught me the importance of holding a safe space & nurturing someone into their fantasy with slow progression & constant communication. Something that i’ve never put much thought or effort into in the past.
Even though none of these sub activities got me aroused, it was an experience that I'm thankful for. It taught me alot about myself & how to feel when i'm with someone else. Which will ultimately help me to perform in a safe way in the future in both a kink way & normal everyday connection/intimacy.
Would I recommend it?
YES! But only if you know what you want. I went in with no intention other than to experience it… but if you’ve got some fantasies that you want to explore, this is definitely a safe place to express that with people who will listen to you & RESPECT YOU! OMG the respect was crazy! I said yes to things & the mistress obliged, then said no to other suggestions & she respectfully obliged.
Who knows, those fantasies might be your thing, or they might not be… the only way you’re going to find out is to take that first step of courage & book an appointment. You have nothing to lose & maybe experience something you’re into!
And to answer the question “What does it mean to be dominated?”...
Although i'm no expert, the simple answer is that it’s different for everyone because everyone has different needs. However, I’ve now learnt that for myself its about surrendering control & being vulnerable. To place trust into someone whom will respect you, nurture you, guide you & give you an experience that you desire.
Author: Johnathon Clark
